dear friend,

it has been some time since i last wrote.

i sit here, at someone else's kitchen counter,
while drinking someone else's mostly finished bottle of white wine,
bathed in the dim warm light of someone else's christmas decorations,
unable to sleep.

on a whim, i allowed myself to sleep in until 10am,
and then proceeded to read in bed until nearly 1pm.
today was indeed a rare luxury.

after biking the few short blocks back to my house,
i got stoned and took a shower, or maybe i showered first.
i only use free expensive shampoo these days. until i run out.

i biked to the library and bummed a cigarette from a hippie outside,
she was all smiles and talking on her cell phone, american spirit, for sure.

went to a class at 7pm, someone passed out candy and i got sugar high,
sugar high and silly, in that way i can't stand about myself, where i talk too much
all the while, pulling out my hair, the asinine fat guy to my right driving me absofuckinglutely bonkers.
he's reminding me of that stupid smile one of my exboyfriends use to make,
i'm making the face now,
and it's revolting.

(i've switched to someone else's mostly finished bottle of red wine)

came home, ate dinner, watched tv with my boyfriend until it was time for bed,
i channel surf, he snores, i'd read but i just finished my book this morning,
i lay there, like i do every night, floating every last terrible thing i've ever done before the jury

tip-toeing downstairs, i find someone else's nearly empty bottle of white (now red) wine
and check-in on you.

maybe it's this sinus pressure
but after my morning theraflu
(and running late to work)
i had the strangest moment of clarity.

i printed off some grad school applications.
time to start getting this all in order.

the show is printed and being framed now.
all chromogenic prints.
and all i want to do now is paint.
and clean my room.
and set up shop.




---------------------------------------------------

Introduction: a matter of time.
April 3, 5-7
Office of the President
7th Floor Law School Building
University of Southern Maine

oh mr. ripley,

i'm with you dear friend.

yours,
j

everything is piling up.
everything is a cover for the piles.

i hate finishing a series, i should just start not watching the last episode.
of course, this wouldnt work, i need to know.

who's there for you from season one through seven?
i would have been. i'd love you to the very end.

i can't take it from you, the way you take it from me


all of this came on so fast, a realization with no way out
i hang on to friends like injectable clotting proteins, twelve hour half life baby

they always kept me away from the knives growing up
when dicing tomatoes, i'll never be as good as you

its not my fault.
i was made this way.

nothing has seemed real, until this very moment, it was as if i were watching the strangest movie
isn't it odd how we can forget that we are alive?

professors, will you just post my grades already?

-----------
today is my last day at portland color. sadness.
interview on friday at the regency spa, which would be ill, pray for me.
also an interview on saturday at a medical spa facility, but it's in south portland, im sick of driving.

i need a vacation.

i finished my final at the computer lab.
i pushed myself away from the computer with my arms in the air.
the cord plugging the computer in was sticking out.
my boot pulled the cord out.
the computer shut off.
my final is gone.

im dead.

these past few days have hurled me into an unexpected decline.
as much as i despised writing that last paper, it, at least, created a sense of purpose.

i should be reading. i guess, i am actually lying, i have things i need to be doing, but i am not doing them.
at least, when i feel like this, i am not talking as much, and therefore, not making an ass of myself,
which i constantly do.

so.

yea, i was expecting some sort of resolution there too.
whtvr.

im skipping class to write a paper.

we were leaving the robert klein gallery on newbury street and ran into her.
she was really sweet and chatted with us for longer than expected.
the lecture that evening was that much better.

i will be there tomorrow for the sally mann lecture.


meet & eat?

207-651-9235

my co-workers girlfriend just surprised him with a new puppy.

i hate my life.